And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
