I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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