Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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