I wish I could punch you in the face.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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