Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
