Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
