i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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