Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
