My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
