if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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