Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
