My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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