Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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