The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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