I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
