What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just googled if crying burns calories
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
