Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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