God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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