I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
