Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
