I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
