You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
