Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
