theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
