god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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