you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize