I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
