so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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