i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
What a dumb baby whore.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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