my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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