it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
