I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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