my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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