Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
