Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
