I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
