are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Randomize
