i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
