I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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