theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
There r osticjed everywhere
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
