I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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