??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
