I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
