it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
