Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
