How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
