So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I came so hard my ears popped.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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