Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
