How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
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He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
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Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize