the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
All the doctor said was why
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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