My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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