you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
