I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
