please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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