I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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