Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
