You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
