i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
